Thank you for visiting my blog...this is strictly just my opinion. I'm not asking you to like it so just take it with a grain of salt. Take a look around. Thanks Enjoy.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

My year has sucked.

Well since I find myself at a cross road in life and have been told by some that my opinion needs to be secret and I need to "monitor" my opinion.  I guess I will blog how my last year has gone.

As some of you know I have been single now for a year and a half.  After 10 years of marriage I found myself.  Lost, lonely and useless.  The last 2 years of my marriage were a challenge to say the least.  My ex and I found ourselves fighting more than anything.  Nothing made him happy.  My children and I would walk on egg shells.

So one day in August of 2010 I sat my ex down and said this isn't working.  I am tired of being scared of what is going to set you off, things aren't working out.  I've tried to make you happy and in the process have lost myself.  I myself am not happy in my marriage or my life.  He begged and pleaded for 6 months to prove that he could be a better husband, father and friend.  In the end it didn't work.  Maybe my mind was already made up but then again I had more than just myself to worry about in this situation.  What helped me make my decision?  When my daughter told my mom that if I took him back that she would go and live with her grandma, she was tired of living in fear and hiding.

So In February of 2011 I decided I needed to take care of my kids and myself.  I told him it wasn't working and that this was the end.  I had him move out.  I had nothing no money, no job and no security for my kids. I was unsure of our future but I knew that if I stayed it would only get worse.

I had a little savings which I lived on for 5 months.  I looked for jobs, filling out sometimes 10 applications a day.  I started dating a guy that I thought was kind and gentle.  After all he had full custody of his kids and the judge surely wouldn't give children to someone that was otherwise right?  Yeah he worked nights so he could be there for his kids during the day.  But after a couple months of watching him neglect his kids and torture his ex wife.  I found him almost repulsive.  I tried to accept him and maybe even change him to care about everyone around him and be gentle.  But that old saying you cant teach an old dog new tricks, or the one where it says you cant change someone else.  Yeah that was him.  He is/was overweight but would judge me and my children by what we wore, how our hair looked and so on so forth.  His children were brats to top it off.  And tortured my kids.  Calling my little boy names that to this day he holds a grudge for.  The last straw was when they actually inflicted physical pain on my kids.  I walked.  The reason I left my ex was because of the emotional abuse and here I found myself in the same kind of relationship.

I knew a guy for years.  He was in the process of a divorce.  And well my dog got sick and I didn't have the money to put him down.  I knew this guy had a place south of town with land.  I called him up to see if he could humanly put my puppy down.  Well that would be our love story lol.  The night after he did it he brought my carrier back and we sat and talked til 3 in the morning.  I hadn't had that friend to talk to in months.  When life got rough for me my friends found the door.  Happily we have been together for a year he is my bestfriend.  My youngest is as happy as can be, he is a totally different kid, the problems we'd been experiencing for years has almost vanished.

Through the last year life has been rough for us.  At first my ex paid a few things than decided he didn't want to pay anymore.  So there went the car.  Thankfully my mom and dad had a car that they weren't driving I just had to put the plates on it.  (which by the way took me 5 months)  I kept applying for jobs.  One after another.  Getting daily rejection letters of "Thank you for your interest in our position but we have found someone more qualified and have decided to hire them.  But we will keep your resume on file for 6 months in case the position becomes available again"  which of course some of those positions did come open but again I wasn't considered for any of the positions.  I would clean houses, sell belongings and do whatever I needed to to pay my bills.

In December we finally went to court for our first court hearing for the child support.  I unfortunately didn't get the amount that I should have since he was self employed and could hide alot of his income.  Back to the panic board.  My children wouldn't have had a christmas had it not been for the kind people at the Rape and Domestic office.  They made it so that we had christmas dinner and gifts.  Unfortunately my youngest had to spend his first christmas in our new life with his dad and his dads druggie girlfriend.  That did not fair well.  He came home a very unhappy sad mad kid.  Back to the drawing board and counselor.

Things were starting to look up and I thought I was getting things figured out.  Had things worked out with the people that we were doing the land contract through and then the rug got pulled out from under me again.  They decided to change their minds and sell my house on a Sherriffs Auction.  At the end of July my children and I will be out on the street.

In the process I did find a job.  YAYYYYYY me !  I work in an office only a few hours a day but its a start.  I love my job and my boss.  She has been very kind to me!  I also started to sell for Perfectly Posh (because of my wonderful boyfriend).... Which gives me another avenue for potential income.  Although right now it is slow going, it is a new company and it will take time for me to build it up like my Scentsy.  But in the end it will definately be rewarding!

Through all of this I had kept in contact on occasion with my first bf after divorce.  I told him he could be a friend if he wanted to or if he was capable.  When he didn't get his way he would be like a child in a candy store that didn't get a lollipop!  He became vindictive.  Threatening to help my ex's take my kids from me.(which he could try all he wanted I wasn't scared by this threat, I take care of my kids and don't neglect them)  Making it so that I wouldn't get hired for a job or just harrassing me.  I played it off because of his mentality.  Then he crossed the line.  Him and a girl decided to cook up a scheme to break me and my bf up!  Which is my last known source of stability!  She started making the moves on him, which I love him dearly but doesn't see how she wanted him.  Then the ex idiot moved in and facebooked him and told him to call they needed to talk.  I was insanely mad!  How could he go thru with this bs and look at himself in the mirror.  Oh that's right because he's the worlds biggest ASSHOLE!

My bf did talk to him and he said everything I told the bf he would.  None of it is true ofcourse because he was making it up as he went along.  If there is anything I learned from this person is how to be more vindictive.  I made a post about him on my fb to draw attention to him because of a contact I have on my fb. He is violating numerous laws not to mention the ones he broke in the past years that I know of that I could and would use against him if he pursues this!  I've told him before don't cross me or I will make your life living hell... because what he does to me will look like childs play by the time I'm done with him!  I live by the laws, I don't burn things to the ground to collect insurance checks.

Now it is the end of July and my kids and I are without a home.  I am in the process of moving my belongings out of my 8 year home to a garage.  We are going to live in our camper in someones back yard.  Not the ideal situation but its only temporary and its better than the homeless shelter!  We have a chance at a home the end of August or beginning of September.  So there is light at the end of the tunnel!  But getting there is half my battle.  Making sure me and my kids are together and HAPPY is the other.

So now I blog, because I am told that what I say is unfit to put on MY WALL because it hurts others.  Really?  Hummmmm I don't recall you being there with me or for me in the past 2 years supporting me or holding me up.  You have no idea what I have gone thru or how many nights I laid in my bed crying because I didn't know how I was going to pay my bills.  I have struggled, fought and clung to life by the tip of my fingernails.  I know not everyone has it easy everyone has their struggles.  I am thankful I have my children and they are healthy.  But I feel like a failure not to be able to provide for them in the way they deserve.

But I know in the end this will just make us appreciate things so much more and it will  only make us stronger!  I love my kids and my bf with all my heart and with them I can make it through this..... its been a rough road to tow but I've gotten this far Im almost to the finish line.... I can see it, its just a matter of getting there.....

1 comment:

  1. I've been where you are, so I send big hugs to you! I also blog to just be able to vent, without it causing a huge uproar somewhere along the line.